August 27th, 2011

Fish Custard

Up on melancholy hill, there's a broken tree...

So, the other day I came to a fairly sad realization. Well, not really, because I'm not living in Afghanistan and I'm not about to have a hurricane knock down my door or anything, but it's fairly sad none-the-less. I'm not happy. I think the only time I've really been happy and not just... floating, is my second year of school when the classes were challenging me but I was still proud of my work and I had friends that loved me for who I am and enjoyed doing things that I did and always grinned when I walked into a room. I miss my friends that I only knew for a year more than I missed people I've known for several. I realized that that might say something about my current relationships and how my friends know me, yes, and love me, but with my friends from last year, I could just be happy and crazy and myself around them because I knew that's how I felt and that's how I am. I feel like with some of my friends now... that we're drifting apart. And while I'm still myself around them, I don't have the energy or, perhaps, motivation to be all of myself with them. I feel... drained. And considering I spent the better part of 8 months working 5 hours, going to class for 6 hours, then going to the gym and still having the drive to be my full self around the people I cared about, that's saying something. Am I just keeping friendships because they make those people happy and therefore I should keep them? Do I only focus on what would make them happy and not myself? Well, I know that's not entirely true because I told my ex to hit the road when I finally clued in that he was making me miserable, and I knew that would make him unhappy, but he was actively causing me emotional pain. My current situation isn't causing me any sort of pain, but it's also not causing me happiness. But to change my situation would tear apart people I've been around to pieces. These aren't just people, they're the people closest to my heart. Oh I don't know. Maybe I'll read this later and it'll make sense. I'm feeling down, like I said.

Also, I realized that I'm not exactly all that smart. Or charismatic. Or brave. Or... Anything, really.  I mean. I went to pastry school for two years and failed my final exam. Who does that?!?!? Me apparently. I can't believe I did that, even. It wouldn't have taken much more effort than I'd already put through, but, seriously! What kind of a loser am I? Stuck in a grocery store decorating cakes. Friends that I have to work twice as hard to maintain than they do to keep me around.Collapse )/rant